Mismatch.com - The Book


Jennifer Aniston. Christie Brinkley. Sheryl Crow. Princess Diana. Elizabeth Edwards. The wives of David Letterman, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, and golf legend Tiger Woods just to name a few. Either dumped or cheated on in a most humiliating and public way. Every woman has thought, “OMG. If it can happen to her, it can happen to me.” While he’s snoring away, we think quietly at night about what we can do to make sure that our name is not added to this list. But what can we as women do?

Men see the behaviors of these powerful, wealthy, good-looking men and the type of women they are “attracting” and ask themselves, “If Tiger can ‘play’ then why can’t I?” and many proceed to act atrociously. Not much stops them as they step out of their committed loving relationships.

Women are indeed aware that their men can easily cheat and respond by trying to make their stomachs flatter, butts tighter, boobs bigger, faces prettier, and clothes tighter and more revealing. They do everything possible to please their man. You prefer French cooking? Mais oui, mon cheri! You want my hair long? No problem, I’ll get a hair extension.

Spending part of your vacation with buddies? Go have a good time. You don’t want to be with my family on Christmas? I’ll see you on New Year’s Eve. Is that OK or would you prefer some other time? Do you like my mani-pedi, spray-on tanned, liposuctioned, Pilates body? Can’t commit? Oh, that’s right. You’re just not that into me. Or her. Or her. Or her.

What the hell has happened? Three words. Match dot com and the online dating industry. Match.com and other online dating services have given men access to thousands and thousands of women in every city who look just as great in jeans and a little black dress (the requirement in every man’s profile), a smorgasbord of women each one more delicious to devour than the next. Match tells us, “It’s OK to look” and “Find Love. Guaranteed” but is it really ok to look when you are in a committed relationship and is finding love what they really guarantee?

And remember that book, He’s Just Not That Into You? It provides a warm blankie of an excuse for every man who just cannot commit. “Hey! He’s just not that into you. Move on, sister!” While the tenant of the book to just move on to find someone worthy of you is a good one, the book provides no rules to we women who will likely encounter yet another man who gorges at the table we have set for them.

We pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again only to find exactly the same man in different clothes using the same M.O. until, yet again, we realize he’s just not that into any woman for who she really is.

When men finally are into making a commitment, they are well into their 40s with their paunch, their bald head, and their record of treating women poorly -- ready to settle down with a twenty something hottie.

The stigma of online dating has just about disappeared so you’ll likely get some forthright answers as we did when we asked two male friends about their experiences on Match.com and other websites.

The first went through a gruesome divorce that started when his wife woke up one day and said after a decade of marriage, “I don’t want to be married.” I remember his stunned voice right after it happened, “She doesn’t want to be married anymore. My God, what did I do wrong?” Two years later and several thousands of dollars in attorney fees, he is paying her an outrageous amount in alimony and child support ... and he has no plans to get serious with a woman anytime soon.

Us: “So, it’s been two years. How many women have you dated from Match?”

Him: “I have dated 200 women. Yes, 200 women, with often two dates per day. I am meeting the most beautiful, fascinating, different, unique, and interesting women – it’s such a great tool to network and, well, you know. If I could do this with men just to expand my network, I would!” [Note: We have seen the spreadsheet that organizes these women.]

Us: “What happens if a woman wants to date you exclusively?”

Him: “Oh yes there’s that, but I have ways of keeping my distance.”

My friend obviously sees Match as a way to meet people, not to find a partner or even start a relationship, and certainly not to “Find Love.”

The second guy is a neurosurgeon in training, in his mid-30s. Of course he makes it clear on his Match profile that he will be a brain surgeon in a few years.

[Note: Insert Match.com profile photo of gorgeous woman with big BriteSmile smile, wearing her lingerie for a night on the town. Observe that pupils have been replaced with dollar signs. Quote above her bubble head, “But it was love at first sight for me!”]

Us: “So how’s it going on Match?”

Him: “OK, I admit it. I’ve become a he-whore.”

Us: “No! You?”

Him: “You have no idea how easy it is for me to find a date or a hookup. If I want to go out one evening, I’ll cruise Match.com, send a few emails to a few women, and at least one of them with agree to meet me. I am having more sex than should be allowed by law.”

Us: “You’ve been doing this for five years now. Do you think you’ll ever want to be with one woman? Have a child with her? You know, build something meaningful with someone?”

Him: “You know, I’ve thought a lot about it and I really don’t think being exclusive with a woman is for me. And, unfortunately, I think most men are coming to this conclusion. It’s going to seriously affect the rates of marriage and number of women having children. These numbers are going to plummet in the next ten years.”

Us: “But what about women who want to date you for longer than a few encounters?”

Him: “Ah, I just stop returning their calls and emails. Women can get so clingy, so annoying especially when I tell them upfront that I am not looking for a serious relationship. They think they can change my mind but it’s not going to happen.”

Ladies, this is what we have to look forward to unless we set up and set some ground rules of our own, to stop this awful trend that Match and other online dating websites has fostered It is an “oh well that didn’t work out – next!” and “wow, if that terrific women will date me, let’s see who else is out there” attitude that could be damaging millions of people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s who could be building fulfilling, long-term relationships. We are bolting sooner and sooner if there is a lull in the conversation or the slightest hint of incompatibility, knowing that the next one will appear within a few mouse clicks.

We’re good-looking women with good careers. We probably have a few more jokes in our quiver, a few more laughs in our bellies, and a few more paper umbrellas than most people because we are rather a positive, upbeat, happy, glass overflowing kind of people. We like men.

For ten years we dated off and on using Match.com and other online dating venues. We dated serial daters, serial cheaters, commitment-phobes, workaholics, clinically depressed and suicidal men, and men still in love with their exes. One of us even had a blind date arranged by a “famous person’s” agent only to find octogenarian comedian Jackie Mason sitting at the table. Another found someone in bed with another woman who later called her to begin dating again. Uh, no! And another dated someone who, after telling her she was the love of his life, dumped her by email on the morning of an important job interview because he didn’t know where he was going in life.

No one will ever be able to stop men who are using Match.com and other online dating websites as their personal little black books that provides unending access to literally millions of women who look, dress and act alike and are not unique.

To stop the disastrous effects of online dating, we need to step up and demand dignity and respect for dating women of all ages by following the “21st Century Rules for Dating Women.” Let’s take a look.